Rau's New Plaything Mk II
by MSN-04 Sazabi
Summary: This fic has been getting a MAJOR overhaul because I wasn't satisfied with it. I'll try to update this and my other one more often. On another note, prepare for an encounter of the cracktastic kind, everyone! XD X3
1. Chapter 1

Rau's New Plaything

Chapter 01: The Nightmare Begins

MSN-04 Sazabi: GREETINGS, LOYAL SOLDIERS OF NEO-ZEON! I am MSN-04 Sazabi here to help with this fic. With blessing straight from the original writer of this fic GunpowderWizard, I am making my own version of "Rau's New Plaything" for your enjoyment, so R&R soldiers!

Disclaimer: I do not own this fanfic's basic premise, or the Gundam franchise for that matter. But a guy can dream.

It all started when everyone's most beloved mask-wearing-harbinger-of-apocalyptic-death-type MS pilot sat in his office concocting new ways to blow everyone into a million little itty-bitty pieces when…

"Hmm…." Thought Rau, as he stared into the infinite darkness of space, "should I sacrifice another she-goat to the God Of The Apocalypse? Nope, done that already." He soon took another swig from his cup of coffee thinking just what to do next when…

"Oh damn it to hell," thought the newest of the Char clones "better answer nature's latest call." He got up from his chair to his private washroom aboard the Nazca-class flagship **Vesalius**. A few seconds later, he had finished his personal business and the masked psychotic returned himself to his rather disturbing and unnerving train of thought. He was about to take another swig when he noticed something rather unusual.

For some strange reason, there was a wristwatch in his coffee.

"What the deuce?" (Author's Notes: There will be other references to pop culture throughout this fanfic such as this one here from "Family Guy", so be attentive and observant. P.S. HAIL NEO-ZEON!)

The Providence pilot dipped his hand into the coffee and retrieved the curiously placed device from the cup.

His train of thought became more conventional as he looked as the watch. What was it? Whose was it? And more importantly, who owned it?

His priorities however, changed as he looked at the watch, thus deciding that the first question was of more importance as he started fiddling with the watch, finally pressing a button on the very bottom of the supposed watch, and with that, a hologram appeared from the screen of the watch.

"'Allo, guvnor." Said what looked like a superdeformed version of the MSN-04 Sazabi from "Char's Counterattack", red color scheme and all. "If you found this, then I felt that you were good enough to receive this ACME R.D.D. (short for Reality Distortion Device), from yours truly, MSN-04 Sazabi, though YOU can simply call me Sazabi, if it makes things easier."

"…" Rau Le Creuset could not help but stare at the hologram with rapt interest at what the "wristwatch" had to say.

"This li'l beaut receives your audio commands and by means of distorting the bleedin' fabric of time and space, turns it into reality. So it's basically a bloody wish granting machine in all respects."

A multitude of contradictory thoughts ran through the masked madman's head at that moment.

On one hand, it may be a trap set up by their enemy, the Earth Alliance.

On the other hand, the hologram was rather convincing, a wish granting machine was something he always wanted. Then again, who hasn't?

Rau had decided to follow his instincts and trust the hologram thinking, "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Well if you truly are a wish granting machine, then show me the one that's been nagging at me since Day 1, I mean it's really bugging the—" Soon the hologram interrupted Rau in the middle of his rant "GET ON WITH IT!"

"Sorry about that." Apologized Commander Le Creuset. "Anyhoo," said Rau, "Show me a world where Lacus Clyne is Supreme Overlord!"

"Right-o, then" Replied the hologram. A bright flash of light, and there were posters of a scowling Lacus Clyne with a caption reading, "Big Sister is watching you" underneath.

Rau looked around and thought, "This should prove somewhat surreal."

The hologram reappeared asking "You trust me now, then?" Rau wanted to change it back, but at the same time, wanted to see what was different about this world. "This is going to be interesting," he thought grinning wildly.

MSN-04 Sazabi: What'd you guys think so far? Good? Bad?


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kidou Senshi Gundam SEED, or anything else, for that matter.**

The young Red Elite MS pilot, Athrun Zala, woke up dazed as he usually did while on the Nazca-class flagship, Vesalius, the only unusual thing were abnormally large posters of his fiancée, Lacus Clyne. There was something different, though, something he just _couldn't_ figure out._ That's_ when it hit him; she was practically glaring daggers at you no matter which way you turn, almost as if it were following you. The whole thing was topped off by the chilling slogan, "Big Sister Is Watching You".

It was at this point that Athrun started to worry, but his comrade-at-arms, Nicol Amalfi, broke Athrun from his reverie by screaming rather shrilly and effeminately and ran to the door, yelling something or other about perverts, then his other teammate, Dearka Elsman sat up from his bed with a start and started sniffing the air not unlike a dog, and started for the door, literally breaking it down, barking all the while. The last one to awaken was Yzak Jule who seemed normal, except for the fact that he looked a bit more…Scottish than usual, as was seen when he was seen wearing his usual uniform, save for the fact that he was wearing a kilt, a Scottish sporran (or purse), Scottish boots known as Gillie Brogues, and a Scottish Tam O'Shanter hat. This proved to be the last straw for the young Aegis pilot as he promptly decided to leave, at which point, the Duel-pilot-turned-Scotsman promptly asked, "Oi, where're ye offta, laddie?" To which Athrun immediately replied "TO GET A FUCKING DRINK, WHERE ELSE!?!" said the overly agitated and severely freaked out young pilot. Yzak Jule then muttered to himself "There's nary a need to yell at me. Well, at least I can get some serious work done" That was when the rest of the _Vesalius_ could have sworn they heard the sound of bagpipes playing throughout the ship.

Meanwhile, an hour later in the ship cafeteria, Athrun decided to look for some semblance of sanity on the rest of the ship, having found none, he decided to at least find himself some food. He found that, and more, the more part being his apparently insane wing mates, roomies, friends, comrade-at-arms, etc. Athrun, in his desperate bid for conversation and answers decides to sit with one of the three pilots. His first thought was to sit with the relatively sane GAT-X207 Blitz pilot, Nicol Amalfi. Athrun casually asked "Hey, Nicol, how's it hanging?" to which Nicol promptly maces him, yelling "DON"T YOU FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT, PERVERT!!!" At this point, Athrun is in blinding (pun intended) pain from the mace, all the while yelling "OH…OH GOD! OH GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU, YOU PSYCHOTIC BASTARD!?! YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK IT! I'M FUCKIN' OUTTA HERE!!"

With that, Athrun Zala moves on to Dearka Elsman's table, hoping for a saner pilot to deal with. Athrun decided to confide with the blonde Buster pilot "This day is getting weirder and weirder. I'm surrounded by crazies and loons, save for you and Commander Le Creuset, which when I think about it, is very– " Athrun never got to finish his sentence as he saw something he would never forget, "Dearka, are you eating a doggie treat??" Dearka simply responded "BARK BARK!!!" Athrun was so surprised by this turn of events that he didn't notice him jumping over the table to play fetch with one of the other crewmembers.

At this point, Athrun held his hands in his face, muttering "My life is over. I have a paranoid schizophrenic, a guy who thinks he's a fucking dog, and a guy who's suddenly and inexplicably turned into a Scotsman, all three of whom are my wing mates, this day just cannot get any worse." Athrun was quickly disproven, as Yzak started wailing on the ship's cook, holding him by the collar and yelling "OI, WHAT D'YEH MEAN YEH D'NEH HAVE ANY HAGGIS?? I WANT ME BLOODY HAGGIS, YEH GREAT POOF!!!!" It was at this point that Athrun said to himself, "It _just_ got worse."

Unbeknownst to Rau Le Creuset, his very curiosity just rocked the world of a certain ship carrying a certain violet-eyed Coordinator.

The Coordinator to which I'm referring to is our all-time favorite wimp, Kira Yamato, who was sleeping comfortably with a naked Flay Allster next to him, until Kira's robot pet, Birdy decided to give him a _very_ rude wake up call, which went something like "WAKE UP WHEN I TELL YOU TO, YOU SODDING BASTARD!!!!" yelled Tori as a Cockney-sounding punk.

Kira replied rather differently than he would to this, "Acht, mein gott!!!! Vas ist das!?! ACHT!! Ein Britischer Vogel!!!! He then swatted at the offending artificial avian life form, thankfully, the brief, yet loud interaction between the two did not wake up Flay. He thought sheepishly to him, 'My German lessons must be messing up my thinking'. He then came to realize 'Wait a minute, I didn't program the personality of a British punk into Tori, eh, I'll deal with it later.' He thought. After donning some clothes for his naked body, he exited his quarters and was rather surprised to find his friend, Miriallia Haww, dressed completely in black, wearing white face paint and topped off with spiky hair.

He then noticed his other friend, Tolle Koenig, wearing a toga, shouting "TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! 2000!" Next up, was yet another friend of his friends from Heliopolis, Sai Argyle, wearing a "Long Live the Legion" t-shirt, a pocket protector, had acne all over his face, and said "From this day forward, you will refer to me as 'Dungeon Master Sai'!" He then bumped into another friend of his, Kuzzey Buskirk, who responded "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, MAGGOT!!!!" Kira could not help but notice was wearing a thick blue uniform-shirt, a bandolier, and a metal helmet that covered the entire top half of his head, as Kira was looking at this new Kuzzey, Kuzzey was ranting about how Sun Tzu used some fight money to buy 2 of every animal, herded them onto a boat, and beat the crap out of them, something about farms and zoos, as well, Kira then decided to have some breakfast, leaving an extremely gung-ho sounding Kuzzey behind to rant and rave about the fictional exploits of Sun Tzu to his heart's content.

He then noticed other strange happenings there, as well, for starters, the "Hawk Of Endymion", Mu La Flaga, could not be seen anywhere, Natarle looked like a cat, ready to pounce on anything that so much as shivered, she even had the twitching ears and swishing tail, Murrue was what really caught his attention however, as she seemed to be carrying what seemed to be blueprints and diagrams of the men/boys' shower room, along with candid photos of himself and his friends, this was the clincher for him as he scooted away very, very slowly from her.

* * *

(A/N: Did anyone get what I was satirizing/implying? Oh, and FYI, I'm going to parody other things beside popular culture as well, so see if you can spot those as well. See ya.)

He then decided on an unoccupied table and set down his food tray, and wouldn't you know it, it was Green Mystery Goop. Again.

As he ate his unappetizing breakfast, his friends from Heliopolis, sat next to him. Silence reigned as the friends ate, Tolle decided to overthrow this reign by saying: "Hey, Kira, you sick and tired of eating the same thing every single day?"

This would prove to be the very turning point for Kira's day, for once he spoke, he said: "Ja, ich stimme zu, ich hasse dieses Essen ebenso."

He then clasped his hand over his mouth. Why was it that when he wanted to speak English, it came out as German?

Kira then tried again.

'Okay, say it again in fricking English this time "Yes, I agree, I hate this food as well."

"Ja, ich stimme zu, ich hasse dieses Essen ebenso.

'Oh dear God

I can't speak anything other than freaking German!

Damn, dirty German lessons!'

Tolle and the others were becoming very concerned for their Coordinator friend, who had his hands clasped over his mouth looked very scared, said: Hey, Kira, you okay?"

Kira though scared, unsuccessfully tried to cover it up, here's how it turned out: "Im Secour spricht Tolle, ich kann nicht, in wie andere Sprache. Ich kann, sprich im Deutsch nur! "

**So like it or hate it? Please send me your reviews. Thank you and I like hearing from you. XD X3**


	3. Chapter 3

**MSN-04 Sazabi: Hello all!! I've returned from the unending bureaucracy of Purgatory to continue** "**Rau's New Plaything Mk II". Read, review, and **

**enjoy. XD X3 ^3^ I do not own "Kidou Senshi Gundam SEED", its characters, or anything else I satirize for that matter. **

"What the fuck?"

Tolle was at a loss as to what was going on, for one thing, he doesn't understand French, so he doesn't know how to help Kira. Before he could say anything important, however, a fight broke out.

"CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!"

Tolle looked over to the direction of the shouting and saw Murrue and Natarle staring each other down, hunched over, and circling each other. A crowd had gathered around them.

Murrue shouted, "Why don't you say that to my face!?!?"

"All right then 'Murrue Ramius is a sick-minded, boy-mincing, pedophile FREAK!!" Replied Natarle.

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!"

With that said and done, Murrue charged at Natarle, combat knife ready. Unfortunately for Murrue, however, that fact that Natarle was a sentient cat in a human's body gave her amazingly fast reflexes, as she dodged Murrue's charge, she quickly brought her knee up and smacked Murrue in the chin with it. Murrue staggered back, fazed but still capable of fighting. Murrue wiped some blood from her jaw and chuckled.

"Impressive. Most impressive."

Natarle extended her feline claws and prepared to slash at Murrue, but the Archangel Captain gave Natarle a good uppercut and sent Natarle flying back. Natarle landed with a thud on her back and Murrue jumped, preparing to stab her in the neck with her knife when Natarle rolled to the left and got up with a kick in the air. Natarle then performed a flying dragon kick to Murrue's head. That blow knocked her out, and Murrue fell. The tables have turned and with red eyes and a hiss Natarle prepared to gut Murrue like a fish when another voice interrupted.

"WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT THE FUCK UP!?!? I'M TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP, GODDAMMIT!!!!"

Natarle turned her head to the voice and her eyes went wide in utter shock.

Fllay was standing there with a faded green tank top, a pair of Daisy Dukes, brown combat boots, and was holding a pair of 4-barreled, belt fed machine guns, complete with a bandolier. Basically, our favorite bitch has just become a rugged, foul-mouthed gun nut.

Shocked, Natarle managed to mutter out, "Fllay, is that you?"

Fllay responded: "No duh, jackass!!"

…

… Silence permeated the room until Kuzzey decided to unceremoniously break the silence by saying: "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, MAGGOTS?!?! DO YOU WANNA STARVE TO DEATH?!?! THIS IS BREAKFAST TIME, THE MOST IMPORTANT TIME OF THE DAY… with exception to actual combat of course. SO SHUT UP, QUIT GAWKING LIKE A BUNCH OF SLACK-JAWED HICKS, AND GET BACK TO EATING!!!!"

Annoyed with the lack of attention, Kira shouted: "Allo? Ich kann nicht spreche auf englisch! Qui est-ce-que helfe mich?"

That caught the attention of Fllay and she moved over to Kira.

"Hey, big guy; what's YOUR fuckin' problem?"

Kira's expression brightened as he got the attention of someone and he jovially said: Vielen Dank ist mein Problem ich können nicht spricht in anderer Sprache, und ich kann spreche auf französisch nur!" Fllay, unfortunately, lacks a knowledge of German and was confused until a depressed looking goth Miriallia got up and said: "He said that his problem was that he can't speak in anything other than German."

"Uh… sorry, but you're pretty much fucked, kid." Said a defeated Fllay until the D&D nerd Sai got up and said: "Actually, you can help him, his problem can be solved by eating the Sacred Cookie of Annunciation."

Fllay had a bored look on her face and nodded for Sai to go on, having decided to play along now that she was already up and about.

Sai cleared his throat and continued, "the cookie can be found in the Dark Pits of K'zan. To reach there, one must traverse across the Bridge of Death, which hangs above the Gorge of Eternal Peril, then, one must travel through the Evil City of Nin, defeat the Dragons of Eternity, and solve the ancient riddle of The Sphinx to find the key to open the doors to The Ruins of The Words, where one must survive the harsh trials and only then may one bite the Cookie of Annunciation."

Kira had an absolutely terrified look on his face, but Fllay simply said: "And… how do we get there?"

Sai then went on to a longwinded explanation. To make a long story short, they had to get to PLANT and ask the Old Lady of Aprillus first. How do they get there? That detail was still undecided; fortunately, that was about to change when the sound of nails on a chalk board could be heard. Everyone turned their heads to see the resident mobile armor pilot dressed up like Captain Gloval from "Macross", right down to the pipe in his mouth.

Mu then started speaking "Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll get you where you need to go, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad times! Not like going down to the store and pickin' up groceries. Little shakin', little tenderizin' from enemy warships, down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll get ya what ya need and where ya need to go, that'll put all your troops on a fightin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant! I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I'll get ya there for three, but I'll get ya there, and back, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive and keep fightin' the good fight, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, surrender to the Pink Empress of ZAFT. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's too many captains on this ship. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.

Everyone soon erupted with mutterings of "What the fuck is he on about??" and "Is he SERIOUS?!?". This however, did not deter young Miss Allster from saying those two fateful words, "You're hired".

**So… what do you guys think? I'd like to hear your thoughts in your reviews, please!! Thank you for at least reading!! XD X3**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello again, everyone. This is the 4****th**** chaper in "Rau's New Plaything Mk. II"!! Now let's get to reading!!! P.S. I do not own "Kidou Senshi Gundam SEED", or anything I make fun of in this fic, so please, for the love of everything that is holy, do not sue me!! Now that that's all said and done, let's get to reading! XD X3**

A few minutes later, they were in the shuttle bay looking at the craft that was to take them to the PLANTs. They were none too pleased with what they saw, what with it looking more like a beat-up old fishing boat with the name "Orca", and thrusters attached to the back, as opposed to the more conventional military shuttles. Mu looked at his passengers and asked, "So… what do ya lads and lasses think?" Murrue was the first to speak up, "What a piece of junk!!" replied Murrue, at which point, Mu responded with "Wow, thanks, this was my brother's, he died of leukemia. NOW how do you feel?" At this, Murrue simply bowed her head in shame.

Fllay decided to break the silence, "Well, are we going or not??" Mu replied, "Just loadin' up the last of the equipment. On another note, are there any questions you lot wanna ask me 'fore we shove off?" There was a long silence, at which point Tolle raised his hand. Mu responded, "Yes, the poof in the dress." Tolle, despite being momentarily dumbfounded by his insult went ahead with his question "How come you look like Captain Gloval from 'Robotech', but sound like Captain Quint from 'Jaws'"?

Mu responded simply with "That's none of your damned business, lad!" bristled Mu La Flaga. This immediately silenced a flinching Tolle Koenig; afterwards, Mu said "Right, now before we get movin', does anyone want to tell me why the hell this German-speaking Coordinator is comin' along?" Miriallia replied in a bored tone, "Because it's easier to bring Kira to the Cookie, than to bring the Cookie to Kira." Mu thought about for a moment and said, "Aye, aye. That makes sense.

And the machine-gun toting lass with the fiery temper?" Miriallia replied once more in the same tone, "Because we need someone who can actually fight." Kira replied in a very offended tone, "Ich fliege ein Gundam in den täglichen Kampf fast!! Ich denke, dass ich eine Sache kenne, oder zwei über das Kämpfen, danken Ihnen sehr viel!!" Miriallia ignores his little mini-rant while Flay replies with "Thanks for the compliment, Whitey." Mu then continued his line of inquiry with, "How about the helmet-wearin' idiot, then?"

Miriallia responded "Same thing." Mu continued further, "And why do we need the 4-eyed git?" Miriallia replied "Because he knows where we need to go and what to do." Mu was able to see the logic in that and decided to let it go. Mu continued further "What about the poof in the dress?"

Miriallia responded rather icily, "He's my boyfriend, that's why." Mu was rather taken aback by her sudden, but subtle change in demeanor. At this point, Mu simply decided to ignore it and continue. "And as for the good Captain Shotacon, here?" Murrue would have insulted him, but she was well aware of how much they needed him, so she instead glared daggers at him and answered "Because I'm the captain of the Archangel, that's why."

The reasoning was pathetic at best, but Mu wasn't going to challenge someone who commanded a warship that was much larger and more heavily armed than his humble fishing boat. Deciding that he would rather not risk his payday, and possibly, his life by challenging her, he decided to move on, "What about the lass with the tail and the ears?" Natarle responded "I'M here to make sure that my CO here doesn't steal the innocence of any of the younger men on this boat, thank you very much." That pretty much made sense to the salty sea-captain as he said "All right, then. Let's shove off then, my wee Spanish ladies."

With a flip of a few switches and a pressing of a few buttons, the "Orca" was off and on it's way to the PLANTs.

**Here's the next chapter to "Rau's New Plaything Mk. II". Enjoy this and I'll get to work on the next chapter. Please R&R, everyone!! XD X3**


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